Coffee and my digestive track simply do not agree.

I must regrettably inform you that nature's legal cocaine, caffeine, is ineffective on this machine we collectively call my body. The reason for this is a collaboration of bleeding pores along the lining of my intestines. Doctors have concluded lacerations of the digestive track cause blood-flow much like a woman's menstrual cycle, but exiting through a much less exciting evacuation facility, and for an unfortunately longer period of time.

Allow me to demonstrate with a diagram of the so-called human below.

Jake is a human being. Leave Jake alone.

His name is Jake. He may not look realistically human, but bare with me. Jake is a person, so be undistasteful, and give him his full civil liberties. Treat him as a human being, he deserves to marry, whether or not he likes other men.

Like any human, Jake has a mouth, as shown by the seemingly-happy angular arch on what should be readily recognized as his face. Through this mouth, Jake eats. And, like many of us, Jake eats coffee. (Jake is a man, he's allowed to do what he pleases, and if he chooses to solidify his coffee in the freezer and chow it down with a fork at a later time, then Jake will do just that).

Now, Jake is distinctly different from the rest of us boys and girls. Jake has a large red arrow guiding its way from his happy mouth to a large red "STOP!" sign at the bottom of his pelvis. Many of us are lucky enough to not experience a large traffic sign inconveniently placed upon our laps, but Jake must live with this for the rest of his life.

And this stop sign does not mean "no, do not put it in the pooper, stop right there, sir!" (Jake is a kinky man). (And for the author's sake, the resemblance between Jake and myself is discontinued in the aforementioned parenthetical). The stop sign is merely a representation of "NOOO!"

Darth Vader was a sufferer of ulcerative colitis.

This red arrow shows a clear direct chute from mouth to stop sign, and when it stops, the party is over (or does it start?) with anguish, pain and frequent pit stops. If you are suffering from a superimposed red line across your body, talk to your personal health care provider immediately. If this is an emergency, please hang up the phone and dial 9-1-1.

What does this have to do with coffee? And, more importantly, what does this have to do with me, the reader? you may be asking. Reader, many of your friends may be suffering from this awful affliction. You may be a sufferer yourself, without yet knowing.

Going vegan is not the answer. If you know a vegan, he is not an answer. If you know a female vegan, shove her off a bridge, she isn't helping. In fact, don't go vegan at all, or, at least, don't commiserate with broccoli on your downtime -- the harshness of this vegetation will scrape its hearty veins against your delicate, bleeding linings and wreak havoc along its way to your sacred stop sign, with an unpleasant, clumpy surprise. This surprise may not embody hate, but it may be pea-sized (and did I mention bloody red?).

So if you are Jake, or know someone who is like Jake, please, send them to the doctor for immediate disposal. These individuals are clogging our sewage system with unnecessary blood and disease, and we simply cannot risk exposure to Hepatitis B, HIV, or Swine flu in our water refinery plants and tap water. We want our children to be safe.

And for you coffee drinkers out there, beware of the pushers. They will be more than happy to have you bleed for their profit margins.

These are the coffee pushers. Destroy them at all costs.

And please, be nice to Jake. He knows not what he does.